I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
