Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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