"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
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Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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