Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
