just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
