JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
