with your own penis?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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