Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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