I am puke
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
