I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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