Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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