Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He better not be in your backpack
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
