Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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