Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
