she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
