Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
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You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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