Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you didnt know i had herpes?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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