On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
