im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
