at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
