That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
