what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
