Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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