i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
