I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
