my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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