She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
