You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
