Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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