I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
