Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
