remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
