i always forget guys have bellybuttons
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
