Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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