TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
