'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
