So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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