Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
