you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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