Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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