You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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