Plan B is the new Plan A
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
