Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
