i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
