I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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