I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
