Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
