Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
