i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
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I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
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It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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