The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
