Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
