One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
