we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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