Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
