My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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