Jerry, you need to find god
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
