My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
